Random Crap and Hot Guys

Beware the depressing wall of text rant

Melencolia- a term popularized by Albrecht Dürer, and illustrated in his famous piece Melencolia I. The term is thought to refer to intellectuals, gifted and introspective souls who were especially prone to the malaise of melancholy. Dürer used this piece to impy that melancholy afflicts the most ambitious human efforts such as art, science, and craft, and people who pursue these endeavours are prone to falling under its weight.

I feel like this term is best used to describe how I’ve been feeling roughly the past 6 months, in waves of bad and worse. Last night I had one of the worse, and it left me in a malaise today. Usually I use this blog as something to pass the time and share attractive men I find on the Tumblr network or otherwis, but sometimes I actually need to vent, and that exactly what this is, a way for me to vent and get all my thoughts out at once.

This mood started roughly 6 months ago with the start of the Fall Semester. That semester was the longest and worst semester I’ve ever had in college. I’ve never been so defeated and had such little faith in myself then during that time. I was conitnualy more and more frustrated by every class, and one in particular that I’m glad is over. Also during that time I had a really bad falling out with one of my closest friends, and because of that had repercussions with my other very close friend who is his boyfriend.

That really threw me off, and I lost my support group during a time I needed more support than ever. Justin was around to help but Justin isn’t always the best at consoling me. I’ve had depression on and off for many years, and he unfortunalty doesn’t really get what that entails, and its not just something that passes quickly. In fact I think he’s grown quite frustrated with me becasue of it. During that time I had a lot of time to think. I came out with some good but mostly bad conclusions. Well time passed, the holidays came and went, which are always a bad time for me. Eventually I made up with my friends and I felt much better, but still not right.

So here’s where I’m at currently. As soon as things started feeling back to normal, new promising semester was starting, my best friends were back in my life, I was going back to the gym regulalry, and things finally seemed stable thats when things got worse. Last week I got in a little argument with Justin, and in the period of less than five minutes he took all his stuff and told me “screw you, don’t ever call me again”. Now that wasn’t that hurtful, as I figured maybe we’d just spent a little too much together and things just got heated. The disturbing part was that after he left I just turned and watched tv like nothing happened. I could have cared less if he left. I don’t know what that means but I’ve been stewing on it all week and still haven’t come up with any conclusions. I’m not sure either of us are really happy.

I’ve also realized that the last few months I’ve become incredibly lonely and co-dependant. Usually I enjoy my free time but I found myself calling Justin over frequently, something I don’t normally do because I’ve always needed my time away from him. After we fought I’ve been hanging out with my two best friends a lot, which is something we normally do, but it just seems les like hanging and more I just need someone around to keep my thoughts off things. I’ve also neglected most of my other friends and I don’t really know why. I had my usual birthday dinner which last year most of my friends attended, and this year I intentionally didn’t invite anyone. Oh and did I mention I haven’t had a random hook-up in coming up on 4 months. This is from the guy who had a random trick at least once a week. Now I’ve completely just ignored my online accounts. I’m completely uninterested in sex right now.

Moral of the story is, I feel real messed up right now. I didn’t even touch on my career concerns after I graduate, my lack of a strong porfolio, questioning my artistic ability, fear of the job market and the fact that after I graduate I need to get a job ASAP to support my myself because my college savings are all dried up. Theres seems like so much more, and its stressing me out. I don’t wanna be me any more. Life’s a bitch…